(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via illseeyousoon-then)
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
~Buddah” Read more at BrainyQuote
I don’t have anything against relationships or the relationships my friends have, but I cannot stand it when relationships are thrown in my face. Okay, okay, I get it. You love each other but the constant grabbing, kissing, and loving in front of others is a bit too much. If someone wanted to see that, they would watch porn. Good God man get real, grow up, and act like adults.
I am suffering from the insufferable allergies that everyone seems to have lately. My ears are aching and the sneezing, coughing, and stuffed nose is about to drive me mental. The worst part of all of this is the fact that it is making me feel older than I already felt. Not to mention, my little sister is graduating tomorrow. When did all this crap happen? When did we get old? I miss the times when the only thing we had to worry about was whether or not the T.V. remote was going to be stolen from us. Grrr…. this sucks!
I just got done watching NCIS latest episode and I am flipping out. I won’t spoil the ending for anyone who hasn’t watched it, but I will say I cannot wait until next season. Gibbs has possibly done something that I definitely did not see coming.
Tried to do the “normal” thing and sleep at night, 10:30, to be exact. Yeah, that didn’t last long. Woke up at 3:00AM. I don’t know how long I’m going to be up, but I’m actually still tired. CAN’T SLEEP! FML!
Thinking about this sexy man may help entertain me ‘till I get tired enough to dream of him: GOTTA LOVE DARYL DIXON!!!!